Ello!

Writing from my iPhone for the first time. =P Only because my laptop has very gently collapsed and is now under the care of my bestie's dad, who has very kindly helped to resuscitate it. At least all my photos are saved. :D

I have little to say at the moment, life is busy as usual but is mostly filled with the kinda fun which are worth getting tired over at the end of the day. In case you are wondering, yes I'm still very much alive and up and about. :D Although I must say, there are days I feel like a hamster on a running wheel, chasing wind, going nowhere.

If you can identify with that.

I'm glad to be more settled at work now, although there is still an endless road ahead. It is daunting to even think about the future. But I'm happy to say that nursing in Singapore is gradually evolving for the better. Not apparent as of yet, but... Just watch. ;)

There are of course side effects of work such as a screwed up mealtime, almost nightly insomnia, and well a very messy life schedule. Just to name a few. Oh and very morbid thoughts at times. It is inevitable to reflect on death and dying from time to time, when day in and out you are being exposed to it.

More often than not, the ones crying are in fact not the ones who are dying. I believe it takes more courage to live than to die. And the thing which scares me most is to live as if one is dead.

Pardon my thoughts in my recent posts. I'm honestly still learning and figuring. It is a topic people love avoiding, although all of us will have to face it sooner or later. It's true.

Ignorance is, indeed, bliss.

 

What we do not know won’t hurt us, right?

~

A simplified definition of ‘knowledge’ which I came up with:

Knowledge –> power –> responsibility –> burden -> sorrow

(Which holds true only when read from left –> right.)

~

Here’s the amplified version:

Gaining (knowledge) is like having a baton passed to you. It is now in your hands (power). You have the (responsibility) to hold on to it and make greater use of it than the person before you (burden). Hence the ability to influence and reach out to more people. More people = more problems/challenges = more (sorrow).

~

And lastly, a case scenario, to make better sense of it:

3 years of nursing studies (knowledge) –> license to practice(power) –> lives of patients in our hands (responsibility) –> have to be proficient in skills and do no harm (burden) –> every kind of (sorrow) arising from failure to meet expectations of self, patients, colleagues; doing more harm than good; being scolded by sarcastic and rude anyone; general sadness over patients’ and their families’ situations.

Insert your own scenario if you’d like. =p

~

Of course if you want a more optimistic (or rather, idealistic) definition… It can be rearranged into a simple chain diagram:

Knowledge –> power –> responsibility –> knowledge –> blabla

Ampliflied version:

Having acquired knowledge, it puts you in a place of authority which means you have the responsibility to translate that knowledge into greater use. Having being able to do so, you want to do even better. Hence acquiring more knowledge, which might lead to promotions/higher ranks (power) and hence more influence (responsibility).

And so on.

Perfect.

~

As we can see, a tiny seed of knowledge goes a looong way, which usually ends with more sorrow to self and possibly/hopefully more benefits to others. It can also be a dangerous weapon whereby an abuse of it could result in fatal consequences, especially when used with self-centered intentions.

And of course, on the other hand/concurrently, knowledge can also bring us joy and satisfaction and can generally increase our quality of life.

But… Are there not more sad days than happy ones? Are not tears louder than laughter? Are not worries heavier than all confidence condensed?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: Just some midnight thoughts, which arose from one stupid trivial incident. Anyway, please feel free to share your own definition of knowledge. :)

Who’s right?
Who’s wrong?
Who cares?

Cheap Thrill

 

Ellooo

Just came back from a 3-day trip to Cameron and Genting Highlands with my mum.

 

 

 

Basically I saw a lot of trees and plants every day. It was a good brake for my mind and all the crazy things happening in SG.

 

Greetings.

And so it goes, I’ve been working for close to 3 months now! 0.0

Time flies at such astonishing rate, life can easily pass us by without us realising. That, to me, is a daunting thought. I remember the first time seeing an asystolic ECG strip, I had stared at it for a good 10 seconds. Speechless.

A line to prove the end of a life.

I thought to myself: This is it?

Yes. Indeed.

In other words, life is short and not to mention, very vulnerable.  We don’t have the luxury of time to fulfill all the things we want in this lifetime. People die every day with words unsaid, deeds undone, art unexpressed.

Relationships unmended.

Could-have-beens.

_________________

And every day is a struggle to prioritize my time.

 

Greetings from a one-month-old nurse!

I’m loving it!!! So much to learn so much to know!

Getting myself acquainted with the superfluous medical jargons.
And getting better in deciphering ugly handwritings.

I love my patients. I only have the best intentions for them.

Long way to go…….

 

NUS –> NUH

 

It’s been 2 weeks of pure orientation @ NUH. Many more of such days ahead in the subsequent few months.

It was only until today that I finally went to my ward and was introduced to my colleagues. It was the same ward (or rather the discipline) I fell in love with during my attachment in Year 1 Sem 2 as a student. I had since then worked in 2 other similar wards at NUH in both Year 2 and 3. 

I don’t why the affinity towards Oncology. I guess it’s like love at first sight? You can’t exactly explain it.

Now that I’m back as a (real) nurse, the expectation is definitely higher. It will be pure hard work for the next 1 year. Or 2.

My greatest challenge yet.

Nice to meet you. :)

----------

The past 2 days had been emotionally turbulent. I lost count of the number of times I broke down. I had felt the resistance of my boundary. Perhaps I had pushed it too far, it kinda rebound and knocked me down. It had been dark days, I guess I had fallen a tad too deeply.

It’s Friday today and “TGIF” is beginning to make sense. I promised myself not to cry anymore. And I have not.

3 cheers. :)

Pit Stop!

 

When I’m very sad, I think of my big brother. I wish he was here with me… He’d probably understand me the most. :’(

Anyway, that aside, it has been a fruitful 2-month break. I spent most of June in Thailand and Australia, and July practising on my instruments.

In a nutshell, I’ve officially graduated from NUS, gotten my nursing practice license and starting work @ NUH coming Monday as a Staff Nurse.

I don’t know what to make of that - my first career after 18 years of education. It is like a rite of adulthood. I am like a bird set free, there is now boundless possibilities for my future. I am my own pilot. What a strange and exhilarating feeling.

The world looks different to me now. I’d probably spend the next few months readjusting, readapting and reorientating my mind and lifestyle; and the next 2-3 years acquiring healthcare knowledge and nursing skills. My ultimate plan is to go overseas (most preferably the UK) to further my studies (most preferably on music therapy or palliative care) and/or to work.

‘That is the furthest I can plan at this point of time… I know it looks kinda ideal and I’m of course expecting obstacles along the way.

______

Apart from that, I need to plan for my music pathway too… And my main concern is the lack of practice when I start work. Sigh. I guess one can never have the best of both worlds.

I’m now preparing for my Grade8 piano exam which will take place next month and will be taking Grade8 theory coming March/September. I’m hoping my teacher would be willing to do express teaching and I can get over and done with this whole ABRSM graded exam thing in March.

After which, I’m looking at piano diploma… And would need to find a new teacher. Ok one step at a time… Lol.

As for cello, I’m taking it slow… Having lessons fortnightly, with random performances once in a while. My next concerts will be in September with BHSO and December with TMO. That means having rehearsals at least twice in a week.

I am not sure if I can afford the time anymore. Sigh.

____

Sad.

Gulp.

It had been a great time spent in the presence of God tonight.

I must say it was awkward at first, after being away for so long.

I was listening to this song, as tears and mucus concocted…

Words were choked up, I could not speak.

I had felt nothingness, as if all had been taken away from me.

And all I had at that moment, was God.

There was no need for anything more.

It was a sweet reunion.

I had been out on my own for too long.

Not too smart at all.

I struggled with the first words of prayer…

I did not have the courage to speak.

As if God had not already known what was in my heart.

No, He knows my every thought.

And He cares.

I had to get it out.

My burdens, my desires.

Words soon became fragmented sentences,

Injected with awkward pauses.

But yes, I got it out, I GOT IT OUT.

There was such relief.

Immediately the heaviness was lifted.

There arose a confidence I have not felt for some time.

Things are now in God’s hands, not mine.

I know His ways are always higher.

He can definitely handle it better.

Eyes-blended

 

Life would be much easier if I am less confused.
About the things that are happening, about theories.
About me.

I find myself always being torn.
Between beliefs and actions, between people.
Between loves.

Life is a patch of grey.
It has always been.
I need a clearer vision.

Words Unsaid

 

This is a song I wrote on 15 September 2010 at 2:10am. Very precise. Because I had composed and keyed into my iPhone while lying on the bed. Haha.

It is quite different from the previous 2 songs I wrote in terms of content and genre. Surprised myself too. =P This is actually rather upbeat… If you can imagine. =)

Here goes.

~~~

I can tell you’re reaching
I can see how hard you’re trying
But it doesn’t work like this
And it won’t work out at all

I must say the cliche
It is me and not you
Don’t waste time on me
Go and find another new

You are all good all nice
The kinda guy my mum would like
You have good grades big dreams
The perfect guy…
For someone else.

~~~

Raw lyrics. Can definitely throw in some “na na na” or “la la la”. =) Or use a better a choice of words. But that was all my 2am mind could muster up. Grins.

 

Vanity of Life

 

Countless times have I felt so small.

So insignificant.

Like a speck of dust,

A grain of sand.

A coconut tossed in the vastness of an ocean.

~

I often wonder what God sees in me.

It is written that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made.

It is hard to see the “wonder”  in me sometimes,

When all I see are flaws and imperfections.

Of always trying and never reaching.

~

I need a revelation of who I am,

The purpose I am created for.

For whose standards am I living up to?

Seas will never be filled, nor stars numbered.

All is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Heart Matters

 

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

- C.S. Lewis

And so it goes…

 

We have officially completed all formal lessons in school – no more lectures or tutorials. There will be a series of postings coming up, 2 final exams and an assignment deadline to meet. And this is it…?

It has been the best 3 years of my life.

I wonder what the future holds…?

 

A Beautiful Mind

 

Tomorrow marks the end of my 2-week mental health posting at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) a.k.a the Hougang Chalet. It is, however, nothing like it.

                    

I first entered with limited knowledge about psychiatric patients or even had any idea how a psychiatric ward functions.  The only personal encounters I had was with demented, schizophrenic and depressed patients in general wards. That’s a grand total of 3 patients. And of course, not forgetting John Nash whom I’ve read about.

Prior entering the ward, we had a briefing by our clinical instructor and director of nursing about what to expect and the precaution to take. From what was being said, fear began to creep in, I imagined the worst of possible scenarios.

We had an orientation around the entire hospital. It is huge. There are 9 blocks in all and 1 is dedicated for forensic patients, while they are held for psychiatric review or awaiting trial. There are 2 CISCO police, a female and male, at the ground level and a security gate at the entrance. Students are not allowed to enter.

We were divided into groups of 8 or 9 in each ward. I couldn’t wait to finally experience for myself the ‘essence’ of IMH. There had been too much hearsay, too much mystery. It doesn’t help that both of my lecturers and tutors for this module are foreigners from the UK and Thailand, who have little insight into the situation in Singapore. 

I was assigned to a 40-bedded male acute ward, which further intensified my fear for justifiable reasons. An acute ward is catered for patients who are brought in by the police or via emergency, with a few walk-in cases. These patients are more volatile and violent, as compared to those in a chronic ward with more stable mental states.

I can never forget the first time we stood outside the dormitory, watching 7 or 8 patients walking towards the closed doors and stood there staring at us. There were 2 small see-through rectangular openings on the doors, and they were all trying to squeeze their faces within each opening to look at us. This picture is etched deep in the recesses of my mind, I was horrified and completely crept out. Never have I been that afraid of anyone.

It was a complete culture shock as we entered the ward. I won’t describe its environment here. It is nothing I imagined. I felt vulnerable being surrounded by 30 odd male psychiatric patients, paranoid that one might attack me just because.

By the way, mental patients are always right. It is our responsibility to be alert and keep safe.

That was Day 1.

The next day, I was more mentally prepared and had gotten over the culture shock. Though still apprehensive and awkward, we initiated conversations with some patients and eventually got acquainted with a majority of them there.

I feel privileged to be able to enter this discreet world, interacting with suicidal, aggressive and anti-social people of Singapore. They are the ones forgotten, rejected and stigmatised by society. They are also the ones who brought so much joy and laughter to me these few  days… 

Parting would be hard tomorrow.

新年快乐！

It’s the time of the year again, reuniting with family members and close friends. I feel blessed beyond measures just having them in my life. They are the ones who know me and still stay with me through the years. It warms my heart to know that. :’)

My grandfather is getting frailer as years pass, I feel helpless that I can do nothing about it. Just as seasons come and go, some things are beyond our control. My grandmother is still as healthy and strong so I’m happy for her. I think it is sweet to grow old together.

Which leads me to another point. CNY is also a time when relatives grill you on love relationship matters. Unfortunately (for them), I don’t have any juicy news to share each year. Over the years, my so-called checklist has been reduced, to just ONE big question directed to myself now. It’s for me to know and my future boyfriend to find out after we are attached haha. If we ever.

As noob as I am, I think a relationship is about serving each other. The person whom I love will also be the one I will sacrifice my time and mental and emotional energy on.  These are the 3 utmost precious things for me, considering my line of profession and other commitments. I hope he will do likewise. But until then, I shall remain care-lessly single. :))

 

First 2 weeks of school have been good thus far, in fact I loved it! ^^ We have 3 modules this semester with intermittent clinical attachments, and I foresee a tough life ahead. Thankfullyyy I have very interesting tutors and group mates who make learning so much more fun. :)))

In this last semester we will be focusing on how to manage people and situations in the ward and how to give proper education. Most of us would already have had a glimpse into the reality of nursing and each would have our own share of bad experiences with staff. I must say it is not easy working with a group of women of a diversity of cultures and education levels. There is bound to be conflicts and inevitably, gossips, which would affect the dynamics of a ward.

It was only until recently that I realised the biggest irony in nursing – it is easier to deal with a patient than another nurse.
For even dogs don’t eat their own.

_________________

On a lighter note, we did Jung’s personality test for tutorial this week and learnt more about ourselves.

Check this out if you have not!
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

I’m an INFJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging)
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
99% true!

*Do note that ‘judging’ in this sense means being detailed. Of which I’m not. =/

Lemme know your results! ^^

Happy 2011!

 

I hope you had a great time of celebration! ^^

A new year always brings along new hope, new goals and new expectations for me. Fireworks are usually harbingers to a new year. They lift people out of their reality for a while, and inject magic into the otherwise worn out souls.

I love fireworks. ^^

Well, I started this semester a week earlier than most of the NUS students, working at NUH paediatrics ward. I have a soft spot for sick/neglected/abandoned/abused/suicidal children. It breaks my heart. I feel helpless.

As nurses, we are supposed to foster rapport with patients, yet at the same time, remain emotionally detached. What a feat. I guess it is for self-protection, you don’t want to cry during/after work every day. It could be overwhelming and draining. We tend to keep our emotions hidden, exhibiting a nonchalant outlook, but that does not make us less human.

I have 5 more days in paeds, and let’s see what it will bring forth…

Academic studies will commence next week in school, I’m actually quite excited and for all the wrong reasons.

 

Well, have a great year ahead everyone! ^^ Enjoy.